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美國(guó)父親吐槽育兒壓力大成網(wǎng)紅

在大多數(shù)情況下,為人父母是一項(xiàng)沉重的負(fù)擔(dān),總是要做一位優(yōu)秀的父母,始終要表現(xiàn)得和藹可親,這讓人倍感壓力。

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在美國(guó)為人父母不適合膽小的人。圖片來源:GETTY IMAGES

你是否想過,如果父母不再彬彬有禮并開始做真實(shí)的自己,會(huì)發(fā)生什么?播客主持人杰伊·阿昆佐在一個(gè)漫長(zhǎng)的周末,從好友身上找到了這個(gè)問題的答案。他的朋友都是父母,孩子年齡在8個(gè)月至4歲之間。

他的推文開頭寫道:“我想聊一聊為人父母這件事情以及我們的文化……”,之后他詳細(xì)討論了在美國(guó)為人父母的現(xiàn)實(shí)狀況。

阿昆佐表示:“我們的文化是主張撫養(yǎng)子女/為人父母是寶貴的體驗(yàn),是禮物,是快樂,甚至要求我們認(rèn)同這種觀點(diǎn)。但這與父母?jìng)兊男穆暬蛘咚麄冋鎸?shí)的感受截然不同。相反……我們談?wù)摰氖歉改傅纳硇慕】刀汲霈F(xiàn)了問題。我們的事業(yè)遭遇重創(chuàng)。我們的友誼正在消失。我們與伴侶的關(guān)系變得緊張(有一人總結(jié)稱:他們只是與我生活在一起的另一個(gè)家長(zhǎng))?!?/p>

大多數(shù)評(píng)論者和轉(zhuǎn)發(fā)者對(duì)此似乎都表示認(rèn)同,他們分享了為人父母所遭遇的困難,但反對(duì)者自然不在少數(shù)。然而,阿昆佐和其他人的經(jīng)歷并非個(gè)案。雖然有研究顯示,父親在孩子出生后幸福感會(huì)短時(shí)間提升,但另外一項(xiàng)研究指出,父母在孩子出生后的前幾年會(huì)幸福感下降,而且對(duì)婚姻的滿意度也會(huì)下降。

簡(jiǎn)而言之,在大多數(shù)情況下,為人父母是一項(xiàng)沉重的負(fù)擔(dān),總是要做一位優(yōu)秀的父母,始終要表現(xiàn)得和藹可親,這讓人倍感壓力。這充分證明了一句俗語:“由外向內(nèi)難以理解明白,由內(nèi)向外難以解釋清楚。”但《幫助子女解決精神混亂》(How to Help Your Child Clean up Their Mental Mess)一書的作者、認(rèn)知神經(jīng)科學(xué)家、心理健康專家和四個(gè)孩子的母親卡羅琳·利夫博士認(rèn)為,有一種方法可以讓為人父母變得更容易忍受。

利夫說:“經(jīng)常提醒自己,沒有人能夠讓你真正做好為人父母的準(zhǔn)備。你或許讀過一千本育兒寶典,做了無數(shù)研究,但每個(gè)人作為父母的經(jīng)歷都是獨(dú)一無二的,你需要付出許多努力,邊做邊學(xué)。這是正常的,可以理解!”

此外,她還鼓勵(lì)父母在遇到困難的時(shí)候,要牢記下面幾句話:

? “我愛我的孩子,我想把最好的都給與他們,但我有時(shí)候會(huì)犯錯(cuò),如果我陷入憤怒或愧疚的情緒無法自拔,根本于事無補(bǔ)?!?/p>

? “我可以犯錯(cuò),我也有權(quán)利感到悲傷。我依舊能夠幫助孩子過上精彩的人生,即便他們遇到不開心或不盡如人意的事情,我也會(huì)幫助他們保持精神健康?!?/p>

利夫解釋道:“每當(dāng)你想起這幾句話,你就承認(rèn)了自己的情緒、行為、身體上的感覺和視角,你就會(huì)意識(shí)到與它們有關(guān)的想法,以及它們?cè)谀闵钪械谋憩F(xiàn)。這可以幫助你自我調(diào)節(jié)內(nèi)心的想法、感受和選擇,并幫助你練習(xí)善待自己,在犯錯(cuò)的時(shí)候從容應(yīng)對(duì)?!?/p>

減輕為人父母的壓力的其他策略包括:

安排獨(dú)處時(shí)間

“如果有機(jī)會(huì),一定要安排出時(shí)間,做讓自己開心的事情。這讓你有機(jī)會(huì)減壓和放松,在恢復(fù)為人父母的模式時(shí),你就會(huì)變得更加精力充沛,不會(huì)感覺精疲力盡。”

參加對(duì)家庭友好的活動(dòng)

“如果你無法安排兒童護(hù)理,可以考慮你喜歡的活動(dòng),并以對(duì)兒童友好的方式參加。如果你喜歡桌游,你可以找一個(gè)社區(qū),參與對(duì)家庭友好的桌游活動(dòng)。如果你喜歡瑜伽,可以與孩子一起參加對(duì)家庭友好的瑜伽課?!?/p>

尋求幫助

利夫表示:“當(dāng)你感到不堪重負(fù)時(shí),向你信任的人吐露心聲,如果你需要減壓,即便只是短短30分鐘的獨(dú)處時(shí)間,不要害怕尋求幫助?!?/p>

如果這些做法無效,可以與其他家長(zhǎng)相互安慰。要記住,在推特(Twitter)等公共平臺(tái)上求助,可以收獲大量回復(fù),還會(huì)有人主動(dòng)提供建議。

阿昆佐繼續(xù)說道:“父母?jìng)儜?yīng)該被允許吐露更多心聲,因?yàn)楫?dāng)我們對(duì)自己為人父母的體驗(yàn)感覺糟糕時(shí),會(huì)覺得羞愧?!瓕?duì)于其他家長(zhǎng)們,我想說:我看到你了。我會(huì)一直陪伴你。接受你的感受。有問題的不是你,而是與我們的文化有很大關(guān)系?!保ㄘ?cái)富中文網(wǎng))

譯者:劉進(jìn)龍

審校:汪皓

你是否想過,如果父母不再彬彬有禮并開始做真實(shí)的自己,會(huì)發(fā)生什么?播客主持人杰伊·阿昆佐在一個(gè)漫長(zhǎng)的周末,從好友身上找到了這個(gè)問題的答案。他的朋友都是父母,孩子年齡在8個(gè)月至4歲之間。

他的推文開頭寫道:“我想聊一聊為人父母這件事情以及我們的文化……”,之后他詳細(xì)討論了在美國(guó)為人父母的現(xiàn)實(shí)狀況。

阿昆佐表示:“我們的文化是主張撫養(yǎng)子女/為人父母是寶貴的體驗(yàn),是禮物,是快樂,甚至要求我們認(rèn)同這種觀點(diǎn)。但這與父母?jìng)兊男穆暬蛘咚麄冋鎸?shí)的感受截然不同。相反……我們談?wù)摰氖歉改傅纳硇慕】刀汲霈F(xiàn)了問題。我們的事業(yè)遭遇重創(chuàng)。我們的友誼正在消失。我們與伴侶的關(guān)系變得緊張(有一人總結(jié)稱:他們只是與我生活在一起的另一個(gè)家長(zhǎng))?!?/p>

大多數(shù)評(píng)論者和轉(zhuǎn)發(fā)者對(duì)此似乎都表示認(rèn)同,他們分享了為人父母所遭遇的困難,但反對(duì)者自然不在少數(shù)。然而,阿昆佐和其他人的經(jīng)歷并非個(gè)案。雖然有研究顯示,父親在孩子出生后幸福感會(huì)短時(shí)間提升,但另外一項(xiàng)研究指出,父母在孩子出生后的前幾年會(huì)幸福感下降,而且對(duì)婚姻的滿意度也會(huì)下降。

簡(jiǎn)而言之,在大多數(shù)情況下,為人父母是一項(xiàng)沉重的負(fù)擔(dān),總是要做一位優(yōu)秀的父母,始終要表現(xiàn)得和藹可親,這讓人倍感壓力。這充分證明了一句俗語:“由外向內(nèi)難以理解明白,由內(nèi)向外難以解釋清楚?!钡稁椭优鉀Q精神混亂》(How to Help Your Child Clean up Their Mental Mess)一書的作者、認(rèn)知神經(jīng)科學(xué)家、心理健康專家和四個(gè)孩子的母親卡羅琳·利夫博士認(rèn)為,有一種方法可以讓為人父母變得更容易忍受。

利夫說:“經(jīng)常提醒自己,沒有人能夠讓你真正做好為人父母的準(zhǔn)備。你或許讀過一千本育兒寶典,做了無數(shù)研究,但每個(gè)人作為父母的經(jīng)歷都是獨(dú)一無二的,你需要付出許多努力,邊做邊學(xué)。這是正常的,可以理解!”

此外,她還鼓勵(lì)父母在遇到困難的時(shí)候,要牢記下面幾句話:

? “我愛我的孩子,我想把最好的都給與他們,但我有時(shí)候會(huì)犯錯(cuò),如果我陷入憤怒或愧疚的情緒無法自拔,根本于事無補(bǔ)?!?/p>

? “我可以犯錯(cuò),我也有權(quán)利感到悲傷。我依舊能夠幫助孩子過上精彩的人生,即便他們遇到不開心或不盡如人意的事情,我也會(huì)幫助他們保持精神健康?!?/p>

利夫解釋道:“每當(dāng)你想起這幾句話,你就承認(rèn)了自己的情緒、行為、身體上的感覺和視角,你就會(huì)意識(shí)到與它們有關(guān)的想法,以及它們?cè)谀闵钪械谋憩F(xiàn)。這可以幫助你自我調(diào)節(jié)內(nèi)心的想法、感受和選擇,并幫助你練習(xí)善待自己,在犯錯(cuò)的時(shí)候從容應(yīng)對(duì)?!?/p>

減輕為人父母的壓力的其他策略包括:

安排獨(dú)處時(shí)間

“如果有機(jī)會(huì),一定要安排出時(shí)間,做讓自己開心的事情。這讓你有機(jī)會(huì)減壓和放松,在恢復(fù)為人父母的模式時(shí),你就會(huì)變得更加精力充沛,不會(huì)感覺精疲力盡?!?/p>

參加對(duì)家庭友好的活動(dòng)

“如果你無法安排兒童護(hù)理,可以考慮你喜歡的活動(dòng),并以對(duì)兒童友好的方式參加。如果你喜歡桌游,你可以找一個(gè)社區(qū),參與對(duì)家庭友好的桌游活動(dòng)。如果你喜歡瑜伽,可以與孩子一起參加對(duì)家庭友好的瑜伽課?!?/p>

尋求幫助

利夫表示:“當(dāng)你感到不堪重負(fù)時(shí),向你信任的人吐露心聲,如果你需要減壓,即便只是短短30分鐘的獨(dú)處時(shí)間,不要害怕尋求幫助?!?/p>

如果這些做法無效,可以與其他家長(zhǎng)相互安慰。要記住,在推特(Twitter)等公共平臺(tái)上求助,可以收獲大量回復(fù),還會(huì)有人主動(dòng)提供建議。

阿昆佐繼續(xù)說道:“父母?jìng)儜?yīng)該被允許吐露更多心聲,因?yàn)楫?dāng)我們對(duì)自己為人父母的體驗(yàn)感覺糟糕時(shí),會(huì)覺得羞愧?!瓕?duì)于其他家長(zhǎng)們,我想說:我看到你了。我會(huì)一直陪伴你。接受你的感受。有問題的不是你,而是與我們的文化有很大關(guān)系。”(財(cái)富中文網(wǎng))

譯者:劉進(jìn)龍

審校:汪皓

Have you ever wondered what happens when parents stop being polite and start getting real? Podcaster Jay Acunzo found out during a long weekend with close friends, all of whom have kids between the ages of eight months and four years old.

He started his Twitter thread with, “Something I need to get off my chest about being a parent of young kids and the culture we live in…” and proceeded to discuss in great detail the reality of parenting in America.

“What the culture shares and even demands you share about having kids/being a parent is that it’s precious, it’s a gift, it’s a joy, etc. But this is not what actual parents talk about or how actual parents feel,” Acunzo wrote. “Instead…We talked about the fact that our physical + mental health had gotten problematic. Our careers had taken huge hits. Our friendships were drifting. Our relationships with our partners felt strained (one person summed it up as: they’re basically just the other parent I live with).”

Although most people in the comments and quote tweets seemed to agree, sharing their own struggles with parenting, naturally there were a few naysayers. But Acunzo’s and others’ experiences are far from an anomaly. Although some research suggests that fathers experience a boost in happiness shortly after a baby is born, another study says that parents experience a decrease in happiness during those early years in addition to a decline in marital satisfaction.

In short, parenting is a lot on most days and the pressure to perform and be a good, gracious parent at all times is real. It’s a real testament to the phrase: “From the outside looking in, you can’t understand it. From the inside looking out, you can’t explain it.” But there is a way to make parenting a bit more bearable, according to Caroline Leaf, PhD., author of How to Help Your Child Clean up Their Mental Mess, a cognitive neuroscientist, mental health expert, and mom of four.

“Remind yourself often that no one can truly prepare you for all the things that come with parenting,” says Leaf. “You may read a thousand parenting books and do a lot of research, but your experience as a parent will be completely unique to you, and you will have to do a lot of learning on the go. This is okay and normal!”

Additionally, she encourages parents to keep in mind the following affirmations when times get tough:

? “I love my children and want the best for them, but I sometimes make mistakes and I cannot be helpful if I hold on to my anger or guilt.”

? “I am allowed to make mistakes and I am allowed to be sad. I can still help my child have an amazing life and help them with their mental health even if things are not happy or great all the time.”

“As you remind yourself of these things, you are acknowledging your emotions, behaviors, bodily sensations, and perspective, and creating awareness of the thoughts these are attached to and how they are showing up in your life,” explains Leaf. “This helps you self-regulate how you think, feel and choose in the moment, and will help you practice being kind to yourself and showing yourself grace when you make a mistake.”

Other tactics for attempting to lessen the stresses of parenting include:

Schedule alone time

“When you have the chance, remember to schedule in time for yourself to do things that make you happy. This will give you the space needed to decompress and rest, so that when you get back into parenting mode you will have more energy and won’t feel so burnt out.”

Look for family-friendly activities and events

“If you aren’t able to organize childcare, think of activities that you like and find child-friendly ways of doing them. Say you like board games—try to get a community together for a family-friendly board game event. If you enjoy yoga, try doing a family-friendly yoga class with your children.”

Ask for help

“When you feel overwhelmed, confide in people you trust and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you do need some time to decompress, even if it is just 30 minutes to yourself,” says Leaf.

And, if all else fails, feel free to commiserate with fellow parents. Just keep in mind doing so in public forums, like Twitter, may lead to plenty of discourse and unsolicited advice.

“Parents ought to be given more permission to say multiple things are totally true at the same time, because we feel ashamed to feel bad about our experiences otherwise,” continues Acunzo. “ … To fellow parents: I see you. I’m with you. Embrace how you feel. There’s nothing broken about you, but plenty about the culture.”

財(cái)富中文網(wǎng)所刊載內(nèi)容之知識(shí)產(chǎn)權(quán)為財(cái)富媒體知識(shí)產(chǎn)權(quán)有限公司及/或相關(guān)權(quán)利人專屬所有或持有。未經(jīng)許可,禁止進(jìn)行轉(zhuǎn)載、摘編、復(fù)制及建立鏡像等任何使用。
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