生活充滿(mǎn)了壓力：需要付賬單、需要照顧你所愛(ài)的那位（包括兩條腿和四條腿的）、需要持家，除此之外可能還得應(yīng)付帶薪資的工作……其他的我就不多說(shuō)了。事實(shí)上，美國(guó)心理協(xié)會(huì)最近的美國(guó)壓力調(diào)查稱(chēng)，婦女的平均壓力水平為5.3（總分10分），第X代和千禧一代的整體壓力在5.8-6之間（生育高峰期一代平均壓力為4.3，而且大家可以感謝滿(mǎn)臉笑容的祖母和叔祖母這一“成熟”的一代，因?yàn)樗齻兘档土伺缘恼w壓力）。

變得更加開(kāi)心的秘訣何在？發(fā)現(xiàn)生活中不必要的壓力源，并徹底地摒棄它們。方法如下：

壓力源：讓你感到煩悶的朋友

你有這么一位朋友，你同意和他一塊吃午飯，但在最后一分鐘你取消了，因?yàn)槟憔褪亲霾坏?。為什么你?huì)有這種感覺(jué)并不值得深究，可能她總是只顧著談?wù)撟约?，或者她是一位挖苦諷刺大師，亦或是因?yàn)樗兇饩褪莻€(gè)煩人精。羅格斯大學(xué)社會(huì)學(xué)專(zhuān)家、《極度焦慮，壓力會(huì)對(duì)我們?cè)斐墒裁礃拥膫Γ瑧?yīng)如何應(yīng)對(duì)》一書(shū)的作者德博拉?卡爾表示，“如果你害怕和某人相處，那么這是一個(gè)你不可忽視的跡象。相信你的直覺(jué)，并有選擇性地減少與其相處的時(shí)間?！钡?，在這個(gè)過(guò)程中切勿處于被動(dòng)狀態(tài)，《心理學(xué)前沿》最近的一篇調(diào)查發(fā)現(xiàn)，相對(duì)于那些回避壓力的人，那些主動(dòng)應(yīng)對(duì)壓力的主體會(huì)獲得更好的控制感和幸福感。要做到這一點(diǎn)，最簡(jiǎn)單的方法便是：遠(yuǎn)離此人，這樣你就不用因?yàn)樗s而感到愧疚。

壓力源：習(xí)慣性遲到

想象一下，如果你能夠準(zhǔn)時(shí)地出現(xiàn)在你的下一個(gè)活動(dòng)中——不管是商務(wù)會(huì)面、體檢或與姻親的約會(huì)，你將是多么的放松？卡爾指出，你可以做到。她強(qiáng)調(diào)，“這是可控的。人們只需要在日程中把遲到考慮進(jìn)去即可?！卑淹ㄐ袝r(shí)間納入日歷，這樣，對(duì)于早上10點(diǎn)鐘開(kāi)始的會(huì)面，你的開(kāi)會(huì)時(shí)間是九點(diǎn)半，而且總是要假設(shè)自己會(huì)因某事而出現(xiàn)拖延：養(yǎng)成搭乘更早車(chē)次的火車(chē)或巴士的習(xí)慣，為通行多預(yù)留15分鐘的時(shí)間（或者預(yù)留更多時(shí)間，如果在城市附近的話(huà)）。卡爾最后的建議：“遠(yuǎn)離屏幕！我們總是會(huì)想，再看一封郵件就行——但是此事有可能會(huì)演變成為半個(gè)小時(shí)的拉鋸戰(zhàn)，而接下來(lái)的事情不用我說(shuō)，你遲到了?！?

壓力源：凌亂的居所

這一切的開(kāi)始是如此的簡(jiǎn)單：你得趕著做晚餐，因此你把周一的郵件放在了桌上，并發(fā)誓一會(huì)看。但不久之后你滿(mǎn)腦子都是休息，所以你又將此事推到了明天……而明天這一過(guò)程又會(huì)重復(fù)。今天已經(jīng)到了周六，高高堆起的文件已經(jīng)開(kāi)始搖搖欲墜，而此時(shí)你最不愿做的事就是打開(kāi)垃圾郵件，并在接下來(lái)的一個(gè)小時(shí)內(nèi)整理賬單。哈爾說(shuō)：“人們都有拖延的習(xí)慣，凌亂日積月累，它會(huì)消耗我們的精力，影響我們的效率。”人們的本能是對(duì)其視而不見(jiàn)，但時(shí)間越長(zhǎng)，罪惡感就越強(qiáng)烈。哈爾建議，與其心懷愧疚和挫敗感，還不如換一個(gè)角度來(lái)看待此事?！皩⑺醋鍪呛魡拘袆?dòng)的號(hào)召，而且你是這次行動(dòng)的指揮?！迸c其花一下午的時(shí)間整理凌亂不堪的櫥柜，并藉此來(lái)懲罰自己，倒不如草擬一個(gè)行動(dòng)計(jì)劃（使用這些專(zhuān)業(yè)的整理訣竅），將其貼在墻上，并確保你所策劃的事情在完成之后能讓你自己感到滿(mǎn)意，不管它是哈爾最喜歡的激浪輕怡飲料（Diet Mountain Dew），做個(gè)美甲，還是與心愛(ài)的人共度夜晚時(shí)光。（對(duì)于那封郵件，花45秒打開(kāi)，然后每日進(jìn)行清理，千萬(wàn)不要再次讓自己為長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的郵件目錄而抓狂。）

壓力源：需要面對(duì)的事情

很多人在洗碗、刮腿或者遛狗時(shí)還想象著和別人進(jìn)行不愉快對(duì)話(huà)，在這一方面你并不是唯一的案例，不知道這么說(shuō)你是否會(huì)好受點(diǎn)?？栒f(shuō)，這一過(guò)程被稱(chēng)之為反芻。如果你不想辦法停止這種行為，你會(huì)一直重復(fù)這一過(guò)程（然后感到壓力，然后又反芻，接著又是壓力、反芻……）她指出，“對(duì)于某些人來(lái)說(shuō)，面對(duì)是一件困難的事情。人們應(yīng)通過(guò)對(duì)思考某件事情的時(shí)長(zhǎng)設(shè)定截止時(shí)間來(lái)控制這一行為。花10分鐘來(lái)思考這件事情，為自己寫(xiě)下談話(huà)要點(diǎn)，然后把它放在一邊?！毕乱徊剑哼M(jìn)行對(duì)話(huà)。因?yàn)橐坏┠氵~出這一步，你的大腦就會(huì)告訴你下一步該怎么做，從而為自己帶來(lái)內(nèi)心的寧?kù)o。

壓力源：難以說(shuō)“不”

如果你不擅長(zhǎng)說(shuō)“不”，這件事不光是你自己清楚，也很有可能逃不過(guò)其他人的眼睛。而且要求你做事情的人越多，你感到的壓力也就越大——從你說(shuō)“可以”的那一分鐘起，一直到完成他人的要求（例如搭車(chē)、推薦或一包曲奇）為止。擺脫這一壓力最簡(jiǎn)單的辦法便是學(xué)會(huì)說(shuō)“不”?？栔赋?，在這之前，嘗試委婉地說(shuō)“不”，以此來(lái)傳遞拒絕的信息。她解釋說(shuō)，“如果有人要求你做工作上的事，將任務(wù)轉(zhuǎn)派給可能十分看重這一機(jī)會(huì)的新人。如果你買(mǎi)了一張音樂(lè)會(huì)門(mén)票，但又不想去，把它送給那些喜愛(ài)音樂(lè)會(huì)的人?！笨柧嬲f(shuō)，不要把愧疚當(dāng)作做任何事的理由，結(jié)果可能會(huì)事與愿違。她說(shuō)：“想象一下，如果你接受了第十項(xiàng)工作，然后弄砸了，結(jié)果會(huì)怎樣，但如果一開(kāi)始就拒絕接受這一工作，結(jié)果又會(huì)如何？”

壓力源：家庭風(fēng)波

說(shuō)到家庭，它給人們的感覺(jué)就是一種無(wú)法擺脫的事物。但是，如果在每次聚會(huì)和慶祝活動(dòng)之前，你都會(huì)手心冒汗，感到不安，或有預(yù)訂國(guó)際航班的沖動(dòng)，那么你不得不面對(duì)這樣一個(gè)事實(shí)：你的家庭讓你倍感壓力。然而，另一個(gè)事實(shí)在于：你也可以有其他的選擇。哈爾指出，“當(dāng)你知道自己的負(fù)面情緒觸發(fā)點(diǎn)之后，你就會(huì)更加小心，并進(jìn)行自我控制?！毕胂胧Э氐脑颍菏悄赣H被動(dòng)攻擊型的玩笑、堂兄的妒忌？還是因?yàn)楦赣H更疼愛(ài)侄女和侄子而不是你的孩子？一旦你發(fā)現(xiàn)了問(wèn)題，那么就要下決心改變自己以往的應(yīng)對(duì)方式。哈爾指出，“人們可能會(huì)讓你感到抓狂，但是如何應(yīng)對(duì)取決于你自己。”與其感覺(jué)像個(gè)受害者，不如主動(dòng)出擊：忽視母親負(fù)面的評(píng)價(jià)，并把話(huà)題轉(zhuǎn)移到你最近取得的成就；如果你的堂兄在房間里，觀(guān)看Netflix上那些美滿(mǎn)團(tuán)圓的電視劇。哈爾表示，“如果你對(duì)對(duì)手了如指掌，那么你將變得斗志昂揚(yáng)。”但是如果所有的方法都不奏效怎么辦？卡爾建議減少與家庭共處的時(shí)間。她說(shuō)，“放棄某些關(guān)系或責(zé)任能夠讓人如釋重負(fù)”。

壓力源：過(guò)去說(shuō)過(guò)的話(huà)和做過(guò)的事

昨天與丈夫吵架了。上一次離職弄得沸沸揚(yáng)揚(yáng)。當(dāng)人們不斷地在腦海中回顧某一事情的時(shí)候——即便自己很清楚覆水難收的道理——人們會(huì)陷入反芻循環(huán)?？柋硎?，“研究表明，反芻所帶來(lái)的壓力往往超過(guò)了被反芻的真實(shí)事件所帶來(lái)的壓力。事實(shí)上，你在重復(fù)體驗(yàn)這一境遇。”如果要打破這一循環(huán)，她建議，“讓自己停下來(lái)，然后思考能從這件事獲得什么教訓(xùn)？如果有，吸取教訓(xùn)之后將事情拋之腦后。如果沒(méi)有，則告訴自己事情有時(shí)候會(huì)向不好的方向發(fā)展，而且自己以后不會(huì)再重蹈覆轍。”另一個(gè)擺脫壓力的方式在于：聽(tīng)取朋友的意見(jiàn)?？栔赋觯白屗麄兂蔀閹椭阕叱龇雌c循環(huán)的理性呼聲。我們都認(rèn)為自己是十分重要的，但你有可能是唯一一個(gè)仍在反芻自己過(guò)去言行的人?！?（財(cái)富中文網(wǎng)）

譯者：馮豐

Life is stressful: You’ve got bills to pay, loved ones to care for (of the two-legged and four-legged variety), a home to maintain, plus possibly a paying job on top of that… you know the rest. In fact, according to the most recent Stress in America Survey by the American Psychological Association, women report an average stress level of 5.3 out of 10—and Gen X and Millennials overall have average stress levels between 5.8 and 6 (Boomers are 4.3 on average, and you can thank your mellow grandmothers and great-aunts of the generation dubbed “Matures” for bringing down the overall female stress level).

The secret to getting more mellow? Identify the unnecessary stressors on your life and shed them, once and for all. Here’s how

The Stressor: The Friend Who Brings You Down

You know this friend: the one you agree to meet for lunch, then cancel on at the last minute because you just can’t even. It doesn’t matter why you feel this way—maybe she only talks about herself, maybe she’s a master at backhanded compliments, maybe she’s plain annoying. “If you dread getting together with someone, that’s a sign you can’t ignore,” says Deborah Carr, a sociology professor at Rutgers University and author of Worried Sick, How Stress Hurts Us and How to Bounce Back. “Trust your instincts and selectively cut back on time with them.” But don’t be passive about it—a recent study published in Frontiers of Psychology found that subjects who actively confronted their stress felt a greater sense of control and well-being than those who avoided it altogether. The easiest way to do this: Don’t make plans with this person—then you won’t have to feel guilty breaking them.

The Stressor: Being Chronically Late

Imagine how relaxed you’d be if you showed up to your next appointment—whether a business meeting, a physical exam, or a date with the in-laws—on time? You can, says Carr. “This is controllable,” she promises. “You just have to build your lateness into your schedule.” Include travel time in your calendar, so that for an appointment that actually starts at 10 am you block off time starting at 9:30. And always assume you’ll get held up: Get in the habit of taking the earlier train or bus and allowing an extra 15 minutes for traffic (or more, if you’re near a city). Carr’s final advice: “Step away from your screen! We always think, I’ll just check one more email—but that can spiral into a half-hour and the next thing you know, you’re late.”

The Stressor: A Messy House

It starts off so simply: You’ve got to rush to make dinner, so you stick Monday’s mail on the counter and vow to go through it later. But later you just want to relax, so you push it off till tomorrow… where you repeat the process. Now it’s Saturday, the pile is ready to topple, and the last thing you want to do is open junk mail and sort bills for the next hour. “We procrastinate, clutter accumulates, and it saps our energy and affects our productivity,” says Hall. The instinct is to ignore it, feeling guiltier the longer you do. Instead of feeling shame and frustration, Hall suggests reframing the mess: “Don’t judge yourself—feel empowered!” she encourages. “See it as a call to action, where you’re in control.” Instead of feeling punished by, say, an afternoon spent in the black hole of your closet, sketch out an action plan (using these pro organizing tips), tape it to your wall, and make sure you’ve planned for something you love waiting for you when you’re done, whether it’s Hall’s favorite, a Diet Mountain Dew, a manicure, or a night out with your partner. (As for that mail, take the 45 seconds to open and sort it daily, and never let catalogs drive you batty again.)

The Stressor: Confrontations You Need to Have

If it makes you feel better, you’re not the only one who has imaginary difficult conversations with people while you’re washing dishes, shaving your legs, or taking the dog for a walk. It’s called ruminating, says Carr, and if you don’t find a way to stop it, you’ll just keep going (and stressing, and thinking, and stressing, and thinking…). “Confrontation is hard for some of us,” she says. “Control it by imposing deadlines on how long you’re willing to consider something. Take 10 minutes to think about the issue, write up talking points for yourself, then set it aside.” Next step:Have the conversation. Because once you do, your brain can move onto other, more peaceful thoughts.

The Stressor: Not Being Able to Say No

Chances are, if you’re not good at saying no, not only do you know it, but others do, too. And the more people ask you to do something for them, the more stress you feel—from the minute you say yes to the minute the request (for a ride, a recommendation, a batch of cookies) is completed. The easiest way to shed that stress is to learn to let “Nope” roll right off your tongue. Until then, try reframing your “no” as a way to pay it forward, says Carr. “If you’re asked to do something at work, delegate the task to a junior person who might appreciate the opportunity,” she explains. “If you bought a concert ticket and simply don’t want to go, give your ticket to someone who will enjoy the experience.” And don’t use guilt as a reason to say yes to things, warns Carr—it can backfire. “Think about what will happen if you take on that tenth task and do a bad job, versus if you just declined in the first place,” she says.

The Stressor: Family Drama

When it comes to family, it may feel like you’re stuck with them. But if you get sweaty palms, a sinking feeling, or the urge to book an international flight before every get-together and celebration, it’s time to face your truth: Your family is stressing you out. The other truth: It doesn’t have to. “When you notice where your triggers are, you’ll feel more mindful and in control,” says Hall. Think before you go: Is it Mom’s passive-aggressive jibes? Your cousin’s jealous streak? The way your Dad favor’s your nieces and nephews over your own kids? Once you identify the problem, decide to change the way you usually react. “People may drive you insane,” says Hall. “But how you respond is on you.” Instead of feeling like the victim, take charge: Ignore Mom’s negative remarks and instead steer the conversation toward your recent accomplishments—or, if your cousin’s in the room, toward the latest Netflix reunion series. “When you know what you’re dealing with, your energy will swell,” says Hall. And if all else fails? Spend less time with your family, advises Carr. “Breaking away from certain relationships or obligations can be freeing,” she says.

The Stressor: Things You Said and Did in the Past

Yesterday’s fight with your husband. The dramatic way you left your last job. When you keep rehashing a situation in your mind—knowing very well it won’t change what happened—you’re stuck in a rumination loop. “Studies show rumination has stressful effects above and beyond the actual stressor you’re ruminating about,” says Carr. “In effect, you keep reliving the situation.” To break the cycle, she advises, “Stop yourself and think, Is there a lesson here? If so, learn from it and walk away. If not, realize that sometimes things go badly—and recognize that you won’t do it again.” Another way to push past the stress: Get a friend’s perspective. “Have them be the voice of reason to help you get out of your own head,” says Carr. “We all think we’re important, but chances are, you’re the only one still thinking about whatever you said or did.”