5月14日，F(xiàn)acebook 首席運(yùn)營(yíng)官，《向前一步》作者暨LeanIn.org機(jī)構(gòu)創(chuàng)始人雪莉?桑德伯格（Sheryl Sandberg）在加州大學(xué)伯克利分校（UC Berkeley）2016級(jí)畢業(yè)典禮上發(fā)表演講。在丈夫離世一年之際，她講到了痛失愛人的痛苦以及應(yīng)付挫折的韌性。丈夫去世后，她在“向前一步”方面有些新思考，近來也引發(fā)不少討論。

伯克利官網(wǎng)可以觀看演講現(xiàn)場(chǎng)視頻。

桑德伯格在加州大學(xué)伯克利分校2016級(jí)畢業(yè)演講

謝謝瑪麗。謝謝尊敬的老師們、自豪的父母、忠誠(chéng)的朋友們，各位同仁。

祝賀所有人……尤其是伯克利2016級(jí)的畢業(yè)生們！

在伯克利求學(xué)是一件幸事，這里出過眾多的諾貝爾獎(jiǎng)得主、圖靈獎(jiǎng)獲得者、宇航員、國(guó)會(huì)議員和奧運(yùn)會(huì)金牌得主……而且都有女性！

伯克利從來走在時(shí)代前列。上世紀(jì)60年代，你們的前輩們倡導(dǎo)了言論自由運(yùn)動(dòng)。當(dāng)時(shí)還有人說，如果男女都留長(zhǎng)發(fā)要怎么分辨呢？現(xiàn)在早就有答案了：男生可以梳發(fā)髻。

其實(shí)在那之前伯克利就已兼容并包。伯克利1873年建校，第一屆學(xué)生中有167名男生，222名女生。我的母校（哈佛大學(xué)——譯者注）過了90年后才向女性頒發(fā)第一個(gè)學(xué)位。

曾經(jīng)有一位女性來到這里求學(xué)，她的名字是羅莎琳德?努斯?羅姿。羅姿在紐約布魯克林一處公寓里長(zhǎng)大，靠擦地為生。高中時(shí)，她的父母讓她輟學(xué)養(yǎng)家，幸好被一位老師及時(shí)勸服才能繼續(xù)上學(xué)。1937年，她從伯克利畢業(yè)了，就坐在你們現(xiàn)在的位置。故事里的羅姿是我的祖母。直到現(xiàn)在，她的經(jīng)歷都是我強(qiáng)大的精神支柱。非常感謝伯克利當(dāng)年慧眼識(shí)才。我還要特別恭喜成為家中第一代大學(xué)生的才俊，你們非常了不起！

今天值得慶祝，你們付出了很多努力才走到今天。

今天應(yīng)該感謝。要感謝幫助你們一步步走到這里的人，感謝培養(yǎng)你，教導(dǎo)你，鼓勵(lì)你，為你擦過眼淚的人。

至少也該感謝你在聚會(huì)上睡著后沒用記號(hào)筆在你臉上亂畫的小伙伴們。

今天應(yīng)該沉思。因?yàn)榻裉煲馕吨闵幸粋€(gè)時(shí)代結(jié)束，一個(gè)新時(shí)代開始。

畢業(yè)典禮致詞仿佛一場(chǎng)青春和智慧之間的交鋒。臺(tái)下青春洋溢，演講臺(tái)上睿智深刻。今天我本應(yīng)跟你們分享一些人生經(jīng)驗(yàn)。然后，你們把帽子扔到空中，和家人拍照留影，——不要忘了發(fā)布在Instagram上，最后大家都高高興興地回家。

但今天會(huì)有點(diǎn)不一樣?；蛟S你們還是會(huì)扔帽子，還是會(huì)拍很多照片。但我今天不想傳授生活方面的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，而是想講講從親人離世后的領(lǐng)悟。

我以前從未公開談?wù)撨^這件事，其實(shí)很難說出口。我會(huì)盡量控制住情緒免得哭出來，弄臟這件漂亮的伯克利長(zhǎng)袍不太好。

一年零13天前，我的丈夫戴夫去世了，很突然也很意外。我們?nèi)ツ鞲鐓⒓优笥训?0歲生日聚會(huì)。我睡了個(gè)午覺，戴夫去鍛煉。接下來的事完全不可想象，我走進(jìn)健身房看見他躺在地板上。后來我坐飛機(jī)回家將這個(gè)不幸的消息告訴了孩子們，最后親眼看著他的棺材下葬。

他去世后好幾個(gè)月里，我經(jīng)常悲傷得無法自已，內(nèi)心只覺得一片無盡的空虛四處蔓延，占據(jù)了五臟六腑，我無力思考，甚至感覺像要窒息。

戴夫的死深刻地改變了我。我終于明白了什么叫切膚之痛，也體會(huì)到痛失所愛的殘酷。但我也明白了，當(dāng)生活給你當(dāng)頭一棒，墮入悲傷之海，你能做的就是奮力游向水面，大口呼吸。我明白了，即便悲傷至空虛，或是面對(duì)巨大挑戰(zhàn)，你仍然可以選擇快樂和有意義的生活。

我跟你們分享親人離世的感受，是希望能在你們走上社會(huì)時(shí)就能理解失去的痛苦，明白什么是希望、力量和心中永不熄滅的火苗。

每個(gè)從伯克利畢業(yè)的人肯定都經(jīng)歷過挫折。你想考A，結(jié)果只得到一個(gè)B。你申請(qǐng)到Facebook實(shí)習(xí)，結(jié)果只能去谷歌。你全心愛她，她卻甩了你……

電視劇《權(quán)力的游戲》太不尊重原著，你就去看完了4320頁(yè)的書……

生活中總會(huì)碰到很多難處理的事。有時(shí)錯(cuò)失機(jī)會(huì)：工作不合適，遭遇疾病或事故因而一切瞬間改變。有時(shí)尊嚴(yán)盡失：刻薄的偏見常常刺痛人心。有時(shí)緣盡人散：親密關(guān)系一旦破碎就難重圓。有時(shí)不僅是生離，還要面臨死別。

你們當(dāng)中有些人已然歷經(jīng)刻骨的悲劇和苦難。去年大學(xué)獎(jiǎng)?wù)碌弥骼峡ㄔl(fā)表演講，動(dòng)情講述了母親突然去世的悲痛。

問題不是這些事情會(huì)不會(huì)發(fā)生，它們遲早都會(huì)來的。我想說的是發(fā)生之后怎么辦，不管什么困難也不管具體什么時(shí)候遭遇，關(guān)鍵是怎樣從困境中振作起來。其實(shí)只有經(jīng)歷了真正難捱的日子，被逼到崩潰邊緣，你才能真正了解自己。要發(fā)掘真實(shí)的內(nèi)心，不僅要看取得的成就，更要看逆境中如何奮起。

戴夫去世幾個(gè)星期后，我和我的朋友菲爾談?wù)撘粓?chǎng)要父親參加的親子活動(dòng)。戴夫不在了，我們只好找別人代替他。我哭著對(duì)他說：“但我只想要戴夫?！狈茽枔ё∥艺f：“A計(jì)劃不行了，將就將就用B計(jì)劃吧?！?/p>

我們總會(huì)碰到不盡如人意只能用B計(jì)劃的時(shí)候，問題是：該怎么面對(duì)？

可能有點(diǎn)硅谷的職業(yè)病吧，我想說走出挫折也要科學(xué)對(duì)待。。心理學(xué)家馬丁?塞利格曼（Martin Seligman）研究幾十年后發(fā)現(xiàn)，從苦難中振作起來關(guān)鍵是做到三點(diǎn)——不要過分自責(zé)（personalization）、不要過分解讀（ pervasiveness）以及不要以為傷痛永遠(yuǎn)不褪（permanence）。挺過生活中一次次打擊，才能慢慢磨煉出韌性。

不要過分自責(zé)，就是說不要把悲傷的原因攬到自己身上。承擔(dān)責(zé)任是應(yīng)該的，但是痛苦時(shí)不要過分情緒化，要清楚一件事，并不是所有的壞事都是自己造成的。

戴夫去世后我就忍不住責(zé)怪自己。他在幾秒鐘內(nèi)死于心臟病突發(fā)。我翻遍他的病歷尋找線索，看看我要是做了什么，戴夫就不會(huì)死。明白這三條原則之后，我才慢慢接受不管怎樣都救不了他這個(gè)事實(shí)。他的醫(yī)生們沒發(fā)現(xiàn)他有心臟病，我一個(gè)學(xué)經(jīng)濟(jì)的又怎么可能發(fā)現(xiàn)呢？

研究表明減少過分自責(zé)確實(shí)會(huì)讓人強(qiáng)大起來。學(xué)生掛科之后老師與其后悔沒盡力，不如努力改進(jìn)教學(xué)方法幫助以后的學(xué)生取得好成績(jī)。大學(xué)里游泳運(yùn)動(dòng)員成績(jī)不理想，但是只要堅(jiān)信可以游得更好，就能實(shí)現(xiàn)。只有走出過分自責(zé)的陰影，才能盡快恢復(fù)，甚至督促自己做得更好。

第二條不要過分解讀，就是不要篤定壞事一定會(huì)影響生活中每個(gè)角落。有一首歌叫《一切都是極好的》，反過來就是《一切都是可怕的》。人們常常會(huì)以為悲傷大過天，根本無處可逃。

我跟兒童心理學(xué)家聊了之后，他讓我盡快恢復(fù)孩子們的日常習(xí)慣。戴夫去世十天后，他們回到學(xué)校，我則回到工作崗位。我記得回去上班后頭一次開會(huì)，精神都是恍惚的。我心里想的都是，“他們都在說什么，這些小事有什么好說的？”但后來我加入討論，說著說著突然有那么一瞬，我好像忘記了死亡的悲痛。

那短暫的一瞬讓我明白，生活中還有一些事沒那么糟糕。畢竟，我跟孩子們都很健康，親朋好友都那么關(guān)心支持我們，那段時(shí)間真的多虧他們撐著我才沒垮。

失去伴侶往往會(huì)伴隨巨大的經(jīng)濟(jì)打擊，女性更是如此。許多單身母親和父親都在非常努力工作，沒什么時(shí)間照看孩子。跟他們比我不用擔(dān)心經(jīng)濟(jì)來源，能抽出時(shí)間照顧孩子，而且我有一份很好的工作。漸漸地，孩子們晚上能睡踏實(shí)了，哭鬧少了，又愿意玩了。

第三條是不要以為傷痛永遠(yuǎn)不褪，就是相信痛苦會(huì)一直繼續(xù)。戴夫去世后有幾個(gè)月，無論我做什么都能感覺到令人窒息的悲傷，而且從來沒有減輕的跡象。

我們總是覺得當(dāng)前不好的感覺會(huì)無限延伸，而且不良情緒還會(huì)滋生副產(chǎn)品。我們感到焦慮，然后因?yàn)榻箲]而焦慮；感到傷心，然后因?yàn)閭亩鴤?。?shí)際上，我們應(yīng)該誠(chéng)實(shí)面對(duì)自己的感覺，然后認(rèn)清事實(shí)，其實(shí)所有感覺都不會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)持續(xù)。我的拉比（猶太教里的精神導(dǎo)師——譯者注）說，時(shí)間會(huì)治愈一切，我也得學(xué)會(huì)“向前一步”。這是個(gè)好建議，不過我寫書時(shí)說的“向前一步”其實(shí)不完全是這個(gè)意思。

其實(shí)還有第四個(gè)原則，就是美味的披薩，不用解釋了吧……

言歸正傳，我真的很希望在你們這個(gè)年齡就知道這三條原則。許多時(shí)候，這些經(jīng)驗(yàn)都很有用。

我大學(xué)畢業(yè)后做第一份工作時(shí)，老板發(fā)現(xiàn)我不會(huì)把數(shù)據(jù)錄入蓮花1-2-3（蓮花公司的電子表格軟件——譯者注）。蓮花1-2-3是個(gè)電子表格——你們的爸媽可能知道。他張大嘴說：“連這個(gè)都不會(huì)，真不知道你怎么進(jìn)來公司的?！?然后就走出去了。晚上回家我覺得要被炒魷魚，然后覺得我什么事都做不好……但事實(shí)證明，我只是不會(huì)做電子表格而已。如果我當(dāng)時(shí)就能明白不要過分解讀，沒必要一時(shí)難過就否定一切，當(dāng)時(shí)就不會(huì)那么焦慮。

我跟男朋友提出分手時(shí)，要是明白痛苦并不會(huì)一直持續(xù)就好了。如果我當(dāng)時(shí)知道再難受也會(huì)慢慢緩解，如果我能誠(chéng)實(shí)面對(duì)自己，就會(huì)安慰很多，不過我都沒做到。

男朋友和我分手時(shí)，我要是懂得不要過分自責(zé)就好了。有時(shí)真的不是我的錯(cuò)，錯(cuò)的是他們。說了你可能都不信，這家伙從來不洗澡。

我20多歲時(shí)第一次婚姻以離婚告終，這三條原則一條都沒做到。當(dāng)時(shí)的感覺是不管我做成過什么，最后還是一敗涂地。

這三條原則針對(duì)的是我們遇到許多事情后常見的反應(yīng)，不管是事業(yè)上，個(gè)人生活里，還是人際關(guān)系中。沒準(zhǔn)你現(xiàn)在就正在經(jīng)歷一些挫折。不過，如果你能清醒地發(fā)現(xiàn)陷阱，還有自救的機(jī)會(huì)。我們的身體里都有免疫系統(tǒng)，其實(shí)大腦里也有精神免疫系統(tǒng)，只是要用點(diǎn)辦法才能啟動(dòng)。

有一天，我的心理學(xué)家朋友亞當(dāng)?格蘭特建議我換個(gè)角度思考，想象事情可能會(huì)更糟糕。剛一聽讓人挺難接受的?！案悖俊蔽艺f?！伴_玩笑嗎？都這樣了還能怎么糟。”我說。他回答道：“想象一下戴夫開車時(shí)突發(fā)心臟病，孩子們也都在車?yán)?。”天吶！那一刻，我突然很感激孩子們都沒事，還健康地活著。感激之后悲傷也減輕了一點(diǎn)。

常懷感激之情是走出悲傷的關(guān)鍵。多花點(diǎn)時(shí)間列出值得感恩的事，就會(huì)更快樂也更健康。事實(shí)證明，多數(shù)數(shù)身邊的好事，好事真的會(huì)越變?cè)蕉?。我今年的新年決心就是，每天晚上睡覺前寫下三件當(dāng)天高興的事。做起來其實(shí)不難，但已經(jīng)改變了我的生活。因?yàn)椴还苊刻彀l(fā)生了什么，我睡覺的時(shí)候都在想著快樂的事。今晚開始試一下吧，今天肯定就有很多開心的事可以列。希望今晚你們臨睡前都還記得。

上個(gè)月有一天，我想到還有11天戴夫逝世就滿周年了，在一個(gè)朋友面前忍不住痛哭，當(dāng)時(shí)我們還坐在浴室地板上。我說：“11天。一年前的今天，他的生命只剩下11天了，我們卻不知道?！蔽覀兺舜硕既滩蛔⊥纯蓿缓髥枌?duì)方如果知道生命只剩下11天會(huì)如何生活。

你們畢業(yè)了，以后能像生命只剩下11天一樣去生活嗎？我的意思不是讓你們拋下一切，每天都去聚會(huì)狂歡，當(dāng)然今晚例外。我的意思是要明白每天都很珍貴。每一天都要珍惜不能浪費(fèi)。

幾年前，我母親做手術(shù)換了髖關(guān)節(jié)。她年輕時(shí)走路總是會(huì)疼，髖關(guān)節(jié)粉碎性骨折之后每一步都疼痛難忍?，F(xiàn)在做完手術(shù)好幾年了，她還會(huì)經(jīng)常感激走路不會(huì)疼，因?yàn)槭中g(shù)前根本無法想象。

如今我人生中最慘的一天過去已經(jīng)一年了，我能確定兩件事情是真實(shí)的。第一，我心中巨大的悲傷會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)揮之不去，就在這，我都能觸摸到。還有就是以前我從來沒想過我能天天哭，淚水能那么多。

但我也能確定我可以輕松走路，不用忍受疼痛。有生以來第一次，我感激每一次呼吸，感激自己的生命。過去我每五年過一次生日，朋友的生日只是偶爾慶?！，F(xiàn)在，每次我都不錯(cuò)過。過去我睡覺前總是在想當(dāng)天有多少事沒做好，其實(shí)經(jīng)常搞砸很多。而現(xiàn)在我會(huì)集中精神想當(dāng)天高興的事。

說起來可能有點(diǎn)諷刺，我失去了丈夫，卻因此體會(huì)到更深的感激——感謝朋友們的好意、感謝家人的愛，感謝孩子們的歡笑。我希望你們也能學(xué)會(huì)感激，不僅是在好日子里感激，比方說今天，在艱難的日子里更要感激，到那時(shí)感激之情對(duì)你們的幫助更大。

你們的人生道路上還有許多快樂的時(shí)刻。比如一直想去的旅行，與你真正喜歡的人的初吻，一份真正熱愛的工作。還有擊敗斯坦福（加油金熊隊(duì)?。┟篮玫氖虑槎紩?huì)到來，盡情享受吧。

希望你們今后的每一天都充滿快樂充實(shí)，希望你們的每一步都輕松自在沒有痛苦，希望你們會(huì)意識(shí)到這一切值得感激。

面對(duì)挑戰(zhàn)時(shí)，希望你們記住最重要的是學(xué)習(xí)和成長(zhǎng)的能力。你們面對(duì)挫折的韌性并非固定不變。像肌肉一樣，韌性是可以鍛煉的，需要時(shí)就可以發(fā)揮作用。成長(zhǎng)過程中你會(huì)慢慢了解自我，而且可能已經(jīng)變成最好的自己。

2016級(jí)的畢業(yè)生們，在你離開伯克利時(shí)，記得鍛煉韌性。

加強(qiáng)自身克服困難的韌性。悲劇或挫折來臨時(shí)，你會(huì)知道自己有能力挺過去。相信我，你們可以的。常言道，我們比想象中脆弱，但也比想象中強(qiáng)大。

打造堅(jiān)韌的團(tuán)體。別人能做到，你也可以，因?yàn)閺牟死叱鋈サ亩际窍氚咽澜缱兊酶篮玫娜?。董事?huì)或許不太完善，校園也可能不太安全，但永遠(yuǎn)不要放棄努力。大膽地說出意見，尤其是在伯克利這么難得的自由校園。辦公室里我最喜歡的一幅海報(bào)上寫著，“在Facebook任何事都不應(yīng)該推給別人?！卑l(fā)現(xiàn)有什么事需要做，那就去做。

建立強(qiáng)大的社區(qū)，人類都是通過與旁人的聯(lián)系找到自我認(rèn)同的，在群體中人們才有生存的愿望，才能學(xué)會(huì)愛。要及時(shí)幫助家人朋友，一定要親自去，不要在手機(jī)上發(fā)條信息加個(gè)心形表情就算交差了。

互相扶持，幫助他人走出困境，慶祝每一個(gè)歡樂的時(shí)刻。

整個(gè)世界就在你們面前。我真的很期待你們的成就！

恭喜畢業(yè)，加油金熊隊(duì)?。ㄘ?cái)富中文網(wǎng)）

Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer of Facebook , author of Lean In, and founder of LeanIn.org, addressed the Class of 2016 at the University of California at Berkeley on Saturday, May 14th. She spoke on loss and resilience in the wake of her husband Dave Goldberg’s passing. The address comes sooner after recent comments concerning how her Lean In?philosophy has evolved since her husband’s death.

If you’d like to watch live, you can see her commencement speech on the UC Berkeley website or in the live stream below.

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, BERKELEY 2016 Commencement Address

Thank you, Marie. And thank you esteemed members of the faculty, proud parents, devoted friends, squirming siblings.

Congratulations to all of you…and especially to the magnificent Berkeley graduating class of 2016!

It is a privilege to be here at Berkeley, which has produced so many Nobel Prize winners, Turing Award winners, astronauts, members of Congress, Olympic gold medalists…. and that’s just the women!

Berkeley has always been ahead of the times. In the 1960s, you led the Free Speech Movement. Back in those days, people used to say that with all the long hair, how do we even tell the boys from the girls? We now know the answer: manbuns.

Early on, Berkeley opened its doors to the entire population. When this campus opened in 1873, the class included 167 men and 222 women. It took my alma mater another ninety years to award a single degree to a single woman.

One of the women who came here in search of opportunity was Rosalind Nuss. Roz grew up scrubbing floors in the Brooklyn boardinghouse where she lived. She was pulled out of high school by her parents to help support their family. One of her teachers insisted that her parents put her back into school—and in 1937, she sat where you are sitting today and received a Berkeley degree. Roz was my grandmother. She was a huge inspiration to me and I’m so grateful that Berkeley recognized her potential. I want to take a moment to offer a special congratulations to the many here today who are the first generation in their families to graduate from college. What a remarkable achievement.

Today is a day of celebration. A day to celebrate all the hard work that got you to this moment.

Today is a day of thanks. A day to thank those who helped you get here—nurtured you, taught you, cheered you on, and dried your tears.

Or at least the ones who didn’t draw on you with a Sharpie when you fell asleep at a party.

Today is a day of reflection. Because today marks the end of one era of your life and the beginning of something new.

A commencement address is meant to be a dance between youth and wisdom. You have the youth. Someone comes in to be the voice of wisdom—that’s supposed to be me. I stand up here and tell you all the things I have learned in life, you throw your cap in the air, you let your family take a million photos –don’t forget to post them on Instagram —and everyone goes home happy.

Today will be a bit different. We will still do the caps and you still have to do the photos. But I am not here to tell you all the things I’ve learned in life. Today I will try to tell you what I learned in death.

I have never spoken publicly about this before. It’s hard. But I will do my very best not to blow my nose on this beautiful Berkeley robe.

One year and thirteen days ago, I lost my husband, Dave. His death was sudden and unexpected. We were at a friend’s fiftieth birthday party in Mexico. I took a nap. Dave went to work out. What followed was the unthinkable—walking into a gym to find him lying on the floor. Flying home to tell my children that their father was gone. Watching his casket being lowered into the ground.

For many months afterward, and at many times since, I was swallowed up in the deep fog of grief—what I think of as the void—an emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even to breathe.

Dave’s death changed me in very profound ways. I learned about the depths of sadness and the brutality of loss. But I also learned that when life sucks you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again. I learned that in the face of the void—or in the face of any challenge—you can choose joy and meaning.

I’m sharing this with you in the hopes that today, as you take the next step in your life, you can learn the lessons that I only learned in death. Lessons about hope, strength, and the light within us that will not be extinguished.

Everyone who has made it through Cal has already experienced some disappointment. You wanted an A but you got a B. OK, let’s be honest—you got an A- but you’re still mad. You applied for an internship at Facebook, but you only got one from Google. She was the love of your life… but then she swiped left.

Game of Thrones the show has diverged way too much from the books—and you bothered to read all four thousand three hundred and fifty-two pages.

You will almost certainly face more and deeper adversity. There’s loss of opportunity: the job that doesn’t work out, the illness or accident that changes everything in an instant. There’s loss of dignity: the sharp sting of prejudice when it happens. There’s loss of love: the broken relationships that can’t be fixed. And sometimes there’s loss of life itself.

Some of you have already experienced the kind of tragedy and hardship that leave an indelible mark. Last year, Radhika, the winner of the University Medal, spoke so beautifully about the sudden loss of her mother.

The question is not if some of these things will happen to you. They will. Today I want to talk about what happens next. About the things you can do to overcome adversity, no matter what form it takes or when it hits you. The easy days ahead of you will be easy. It is the hard days—the times that challenge you to your very core—that will determine who you are. You will be defined not just by what you achieve, but by how you survive.

A few weeks after Dave died, I was talking to my friend Phil about a father-son activity that Dave was not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, “But I want Dave.” Phil put his arm around me and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.”

We all at some point live some form of option B. The question is: What do we do then?

As a representative of Silicon Valley, I’m pleased to tell you there is data to learn from. After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist Martin Seligman found that there are three P’s—personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence—that are critical to how we bounce back from hardship. The seeds of resilience are planted in the way we process the negative events in our lives.

The first P is personalization—the belief that we are at fault. This is different from taking responsibility, which you should always do. This is the lesson that not everything that happens to us happens because of us.

When Dave died, I had a very common reaction, which was to blame myself. He died in seconds from a cardiac arrhythmia. I poured over his medical records asking what I could have—or should have—done. It wasn’t until I learned about the three P’s that I accepted that I could not have prevented his death. His doctors had not identified his coronary artery disease. I was an economics major; how could I have?

Studies show that getting past personalization can actually make you stronger. Teachers who knew they could do better after students failed adjusted their methods and saw future classes go on to excel. College swimmers who underperformed but believed they were capable of swimming faster did. Not taking failures personally allows us to recover—and even to thrive.

The second P is pervasiveness—the belief that an event will affect all areas of your life. You know that song “Everything is awesome?” This is the flip: “Everything is awful.” There’s no place to run or hide from the all-consuming sadness.

The child psychologists I spoke to encouraged me to get my kids back to their routine as soon as possible. So ten days after Dave died, they went back to school and I went back to work. I remember sitting in my first Facebook meeting in a deep, deep haze. All I could think was, “What is everyone talking about and how could this possibly matter?” But then I got drawn into the discussion and for a second—a brief split second—I forgot about death.

That brief second helped me see that there were other things in my life that were not awful. My children and I were healthy. My friends and family were so loving and they carried us—quite literally at times.

The loss of a partner often has severe negative financial consequences, especially for women. So many single mothers—and fathers—struggle to make ends meet or have jobs that don’t allow them the time they need to care for their children. I had financial security, the ability to take the time off I needed, and a job that I did not just believe in, but where it’s actually OK to spend all day on Facebook. Gradually, my children started sleeping through the night, crying less, playing more.

The third P is permanence—the belief that the sorrow will last forever. For months, no matter what I did, it felt like the crushing grief would always be there.

We often project our current feelings out indefinitely—and experience what I think of as the second derivative of those feelings. We feel anxious—and then we feel anxious that we’re anxious. We feel sad—and then we feel sad that we’re sad. Instead, we should accept our feelings—but recognize that they will not last forever. My rabbi told me that time would heal but for now I should “l(fā)ean in to the suck.” It was good advice, but not really what I meant by “l(fā)ean in.”

None of you need me to explain the fourth P…which is, of course, pizza from Cheese Board.

But I wish I had known about the three P’s when I was your age. There were so many times these lessons would have helped.

Day one of my first job out of college, my boss found out that I didn’t know how to enter data into Lotus 1-2-3. That’s a spreadsheet—ask your parents. His mouth dropped open and he said, ‘I can’t believe you got this job without knowing that”—and then walked out of the room. I went home convinced that I was going to be fired. I thought I was terrible at everything… but it turns out I was only terrible at spreadsheets. Understanding pervasiveness would have saved me a lot of anxiety that week.

I wish I had known about permanence when I broke up with boyfriends. It would’ve been a comfort to know that feeling was not going to last forever, and if I was being honest with myself… neither were any of those relationships.

And I wish I had understood personalization when boyfriends broke up with me. Sometimes it’s not you—it really is them. I mean, that dude never showered.

And all three P’s ganged up on me in my twenties after my first marriage ended in divorce. I thought at the time that no matter what I accomplished, I was a massive failure.

The three P’s are common emotional reactions to so many things that happen to us—in our careers, our personal lives, and our relationships. You’re probably feeling one of them right now about something in your life. But if you can recognize you are falling into these traps, you can catch yourself. Just as our bodies have a physiological immune system, our brains have a psychological immune system—and there are steps you can take to help kick it into gear.

One day my friend Adam Grant, a psychologist, suggested that I think about how much worse things could be. This was completely counterintuitive; it seemed like the way to recover was to try to find positive thoughts. “Worse?” I said. “Are you kidding me? How could things be worse?” His answer cut straight through me: “Dave could have had that same cardiac arrhythmia while he was driving your children.” Wow. The moment he said it, I was overwhelmingly grateful that the rest of my family was alive and healthy. That gratitude overtook some of the grief.

Finding gratitude and appreciation is key to resilience. People who take the time to list things they are grateful for are happier and healthier. It turns out that counting your blessings can actually increase your blessings. My New Year’s resolution this year is to write down three moments of joy before I go to bed each night. This simple practice has changed my life. Because no matter what happens each day, I go to sleep thinking of something cheerful. Try it. Start tonight when you have so many fun moments to list— although maybe do it before you hit Kip’s and can still remember what they are.

Last month, eleven days before the anniversary of Dave’s death, I broke down crying to a friend of mine. We were sitting—of all places—on a bathroom floor. I said: “Eleven days. One year ago, he had eleven days left. And we had no idea.” We looked at each other through tears, and asked how we would live if we knew we had eleven days left.

As you graduate, can you ask yourselves to live as if you had eleven days left? I don’t mean blow everything off and party all the time— although tonight is an exception. I mean live with the understanding of how precious every single day would be. How precious every day actually is.

A few years ago, my mom had to have her hip replaced. When she was younger, she always walked without pain. But as her hip disintegrated, each step became painful. Now, even years after her operation, she is grateful for every step she takes without pain—something that never would have occurred to her before.

As I stand here today, a year after the worst day of my life, two things are true. I have a huge reservoir of sadness that is with me always—right here where I can touch it. I never knew I could cry so often—or so much.

But I am also aware that I am walking without pain. For the first time, I am grateful for each breath in and out—grateful for the gift of life itself. I used to celebrate my every five years and friends’ birthdays sometimes. Now I celebrate always. I used to go to sleep worrying about all the things I messed up that day—and trust me that list was often quite long. Now I try really hard to focus on each day’s moments of joy.

It is the greatest irony of my life that losing my husban d helped me find deeper gratitude—gratitude for the kindness of my friends, the love of my family, the laughter of my children. My hope for you is that you can find that gratitude—not just on the good days, like today, but on the hard ones, when you will really need it.

There are so many moments of joy ahead of you. That trip you always wanted to take. A first kiss with someone youreally like. The day you get a job doing something you truly believe in. Beating Stanford. (Go Bears!) All of these things will happen to you. Enjoy each and every one.

I hope that you live your life—each precious day of it—with joy and meaning. I hope that you walk without pain—and that you are grateful for each step.

And when the challenges come, I hope you remember that anchored deep within you is the ability to learn and grow. You are not born with a fixed amount of resilience. Like a muscle, you can build it up, draw on it when you need it. In that process you will figure out who you really are—and you just might become the very best version of yourself.

Class of 2016, as you leave Berkeley, build resilience.

Build resilience in yourselves. When tragedy or disappointment strike, know that you have the ability to get through absolutely anything. I promise you do. As the saying goes, we are more vulnerable than we ever thought, but we are stronger than we ever imagined.

Build resilient organizations. If anyone can do it, you can, because Berkeley is filled with people who want to make the world a better place. Never stop working to do so—whether it’s a boardroom that is not representative or a campus that’s not safe. Speak up, especially at institutions like this one, which you hold so dear. My favorite poster at work reads, “Nothing at Facebook is someone else’s problem.” When you see something that’s broken, go fix it.

Build resilient communities. We find our humanity—our will to live and our ability to love—in our connections to one another. Be there for your family and friends. And I mean in person. Not just in a message with a heart emoji.

Lift each other up, help each other kick the shit out of option B—and celebrate each and every moment of joy.

You have the whole world in front of you. I can’t wait to see what you do with it.

Congratulations, and Go Bears!